carpe diem

my nanna dying has made me realise a series of things.

1.when I find the courage to be strong, I need to remember her smiling through 12 years of illness.
2.I'm lucky to have never lost anyone like this before.
3.Grief is the worst pain I have ever felt, losing someone to the complete unknown.
4.My selfish behaviour has got got got got to stop. I missed out on her last moments, though this wasn't intentionally my choice (I didn't know they were visiting, but I can't be angry at my dad either) my constantly being out had some impact.
5.I should ask my surviving grandparents everything so I don't have this overwhelming sense of regret...

and finally, though this is what I hate the most. Times like this make you realise who really makes you better. I learnt this meant recreating the illusion of someone in my mind that died a longer time ago.